Apologies for not posting for a while people, I've been trying to get on with everything and we've been busy working too!
I have to say though, I'm disillusioned and disappointed at the moment - I don't appear to have lost anything at all - infact on getting on the scales this morning I appear to have GAINED weight - I mean, what's going on there??!! I did have a bit of a blow out day on Saturday when we went to the beach - bits of treats and stuff, but I don't think I overdid it that much?
I'm cross. Cross that I'm trying and nothing seems to be happening. Cross that it appears to be working for other people and not me. Cross that no matter what I'm doing I'm still a flipping chunk!!
Owen did pose an interesting question though when I was grumbling about it - am I over eating a great deal on the 'normal' days? Well, truth be told, I don't know. I'm not tracking what I'm eating on the 'off' days, so I don't know how many calories I'm eating. Maybe I should be tracking - I think I will tomorrow, just to see what I am eating. I need to be eating no more than 1500 calories a day on the off days, so if I am, I really need to be thinking more about what I'm putting in my mouth. Very despondent and almost feel like giving in, but I know that's not what I need to be doing. All I want to do is loose a couple of stone and then keep it off. I know I can and will do it, I just need to get off my arse and actually get a move on!!
Maybe I should post everything that passes my lips...name and shame myself!!
xx
Monday, 11 February 2013
Monday, 4 February 2013
Have you seen my unimpressed face??
Cos I had it on this morning - got on the scales and I'd GAINED!!! Now I've not been an absolute complete and utter angel on the non fasting days, but then the whole point is that you don't have to be isn't it?! I've had some ice cream, chocolate, wine, but not to excess.
So todays fasting day started with resolve - I am not going to let this beat me. I have got to loose this weight, I'm assured this diet works, so I may as well stick to it, hadn't I? It's just rather frustrating when the dinners are some of my favourite on the fast days...I may have to switch round a couple of them just so I get some too - I love fajitas and they're on the menu for Thursday!
I don't really know what else to say about today - I was really fed up, I wanted to have seen some sort of downward movement on the scales, so it is annoying. Perhaps I need to be more good than I've been on my non fasting days. Get some 'good' snacks for the evening, rather than having chocolate and ice cream. I really fancy some cucumber at the moment, but we haven't got any :( It'll be tomatoes later then!!
Must dash for now...I have a bunny to make (and an H key to sort out - it's been sticking all flipping day!!)
xx
So todays fasting day started with resolve - I am not going to let this beat me. I have got to loose this weight, I'm assured this diet works, so I may as well stick to it, hadn't I? It's just rather frustrating when the dinners are some of my favourite on the fast days...I may have to switch round a couple of them just so I get some too - I love fajitas and they're on the menu for Thursday!
I don't really know what else to say about today - I was really fed up, I wanted to have seen some sort of downward movement on the scales, so it is annoying. Perhaps I need to be more good than I've been on my non fasting days. Get some 'good' snacks for the evening, rather than having chocolate and ice cream. I really fancy some cucumber at the moment, but we haven't got any :( It'll be tomatoes later then!!
Must dash for now...I have a bunny to make (and an H key to sort out - it's been sticking all flipping day!!)
xx
Saturday, 2 February 2013
Not diet related but...
I've just got to vent
For people that don't know, here's a bit of background, I have a 9, nearly 10yr old son called Zak. I am a single mum, not through choice, but there we go. I do my best, but do feel I'm out of my depth sometimes. In October we moved lock, stock and barrel from Surrey to Aberdeenshire so that I could work with Clare at Neverland Keepsake Creations (www.neverlandcreations.co.uk) and to give us a better quality of life. I was in a rut in Surrey. I have some wonderful wonderful friends down there, but I wasn't going anywhere and I didn't know how I could get out of that feeling. I wanted to be able to give Zak the opportunity to have a better life as well, to live an outdoor life, to be in a school where he would get more 1:1 attention. We're living with Clare and Owen and their two children aged 4 1/2 and nearly 2. The house is big enough that we can all have our own space but still work and eat together.
Well recently I've got to the point where I would quite happily give up. Granted Zak hasn't been in a situation where he's living with other children before and have to set an example,so it would take a bit of getting used to I'm sure, but despite everything we've said to him he's become surly, grumpy, doing things to wind up the 4yr old - whether it's deliberate or just because he's not thinking I don't know. Things that I'm sure he knows are going to mortify me. Things that are not setting a good example to the others. Things that are just not like the child I know. Then on the flip side he's an angel - he does everything he can to help, he's loving, caring, he plays nicely, he shares, he sets a good example. Every day I wonder if there's going to be something that happens. It's upsetting me to the point that I'm an emotional wreck. I know I've always been one to cry at films, but everything, I mean EVERYTHING is setting me off in tears and I feel ridiculous. I'm going to bed and sobbing because I just don't know what else to do. I feel sick, I'm not sleeping properly, I can feel myself spiralling into depression again and that's the last place I want to be.
For the first time in my life I'm doing something I really want to - something for me. For once I'm not putting someone else first. For once I'm following MY dream. I love working with Clare, I love working with my hands - and he's spoiling it. I feel resentful that for the last 9 years I've done everything for him, pretty much on my own. I've stayed where I'm not happy, I've stayed in the rat race because I thought it was the right thing to do, I've gone without when I needed things (I welcomed pants and socks at Christmas, it meant they didn't have holes in anymore!) I've pretended to be eating slowly when in fact what I've been doing is keeping enough that I can freeze for him to eat on another day. I've done everything that I can to keep things normal for him - to look like a swan gliding along the top of the pond, when infact I was peddling so furiously underneath to stay afloat I didn't know if I could manage it. My Doctor had advised me to find something else to do as if I didn't I'd be ending up on medication again. And then I was given an amazing opportunity and I grabbed it. And Zak honestly seems to be doing everything he can to spoil it for me. I know it's hard to move away from everything you know, but before we moved I asked him. I said we wouldn't go if he didn't want to. And he said he wanted to move. So why is he making it so damned hard? Yes he's 9, there are hormones rushing around his body, but that's not an excuse. He is a sensible, caring, loving boy. I know he is from his past behaviour, but he's just not the child I thought I had at the moment and I have no idea what to do about it. He's had his DS, his TV, DVD player and netbook taken away from him last Sunday and do you know what? I thought it was working. Evidentially not. Today there's been an incident. Just a little one, nothing major, but it's enough to have set me to the point where I've been ready to walk out. Not just walk outside and let off some steam, but really walk out, get in the car and drive. Where I don't know. There is nowhere to go, but I just don't want this anymore.
I don't want to have to be apologising for him on a daily basis. I don't want to feel like I've done such a terrible job that he can't be sensible and nice. I don't want to cry any more. I want to enjoy this new life that we have, not to spend every day wondering if I've done the wrong thing, spending it with a knot in my stomach and the tears only a blink away. Wondering if it's going to get to the point where Clare and Owen decide that his behaviour and the effect on their two children has become unacceptable and they ask us to leave. I want to stop living on a knife edge.
I know that being a parent is a challenge, I know that there will be ups and downs, good days and bad, that there will be days when you just don't know what to do or why you're bothering, but surely those days are supposed to be once in a while and not every day?
I just don't know what to do any more.
For people that don't know, here's a bit of background, I have a 9, nearly 10yr old son called Zak. I am a single mum, not through choice, but there we go. I do my best, but do feel I'm out of my depth sometimes. In October we moved lock, stock and barrel from Surrey to Aberdeenshire so that I could work with Clare at Neverland Keepsake Creations (www.neverlandcreations.co.uk) and to give us a better quality of life. I was in a rut in Surrey. I have some wonderful wonderful friends down there, but I wasn't going anywhere and I didn't know how I could get out of that feeling. I wanted to be able to give Zak the opportunity to have a better life as well, to live an outdoor life, to be in a school where he would get more 1:1 attention. We're living with Clare and Owen and their two children aged 4 1/2 and nearly 2. The house is big enough that we can all have our own space but still work and eat together.
Well recently I've got to the point where I would quite happily give up. Granted Zak hasn't been in a situation where he's living with other children before and have to set an example,so it would take a bit of getting used to I'm sure, but despite everything we've said to him he's become surly, grumpy, doing things to wind up the 4yr old - whether it's deliberate or just because he's not thinking I don't know. Things that I'm sure he knows are going to mortify me. Things that are not setting a good example to the others. Things that are just not like the child I know. Then on the flip side he's an angel - he does everything he can to help, he's loving, caring, he plays nicely, he shares, he sets a good example. Every day I wonder if there's going to be something that happens. It's upsetting me to the point that I'm an emotional wreck. I know I've always been one to cry at films, but everything, I mean EVERYTHING is setting me off in tears and I feel ridiculous. I'm going to bed and sobbing because I just don't know what else to do. I feel sick, I'm not sleeping properly, I can feel myself spiralling into depression again and that's the last place I want to be.
For the first time in my life I'm doing something I really want to - something for me. For once I'm not putting someone else first. For once I'm following MY dream. I love working with Clare, I love working with my hands - and he's spoiling it. I feel resentful that for the last 9 years I've done everything for him, pretty much on my own. I've stayed where I'm not happy, I've stayed in the rat race because I thought it was the right thing to do, I've gone without when I needed things (I welcomed pants and socks at Christmas, it meant they didn't have holes in anymore!) I've pretended to be eating slowly when in fact what I've been doing is keeping enough that I can freeze for him to eat on another day. I've done everything that I can to keep things normal for him - to look like a swan gliding along the top of the pond, when infact I was peddling so furiously underneath to stay afloat I didn't know if I could manage it. My Doctor had advised me to find something else to do as if I didn't I'd be ending up on medication again. And then I was given an amazing opportunity and I grabbed it. And Zak honestly seems to be doing everything he can to spoil it for me. I know it's hard to move away from everything you know, but before we moved I asked him. I said we wouldn't go if he didn't want to. And he said he wanted to move. So why is he making it so damned hard? Yes he's 9, there are hormones rushing around his body, but that's not an excuse. He is a sensible, caring, loving boy. I know he is from his past behaviour, but he's just not the child I thought I had at the moment and I have no idea what to do about it. He's had his DS, his TV, DVD player and netbook taken away from him last Sunday and do you know what? I thought it was working. Evidentially not. Today there's been an incident. Just a little one, nothing major, but it's enough to have set me to the point where I've been ready to walk out. Not just walk outside and let off some steam, but really walk out, get in the car and drive. Where I don't know. There is nowhere to go, but I just don't want this anymore.
I don't want to have to be apologising for him on a daily basis. I don't want to feel like I've done such a terrible job that he can't be sensible and nice. I don't want to cry any more. I want to enjoy this new life that we have, not to spend every day wondering if I've done the wrong thing, spending it with a knot in my stomach and the tears only a blink away. Wondering if it's going to get to the point where Clare and Owen decide that his behaviour and the effect on their two children has become unacceptable and they ask us to leave. I want to stop living on a knife edge.
I know that being a parent is a challenge, I know that there will be ups and downs, good days and bad, that there will be days when you just don't know what to do or why you're bothering, but surely those days are supposed to be once in a while and not every day?
I just don't know what to do any more.
Friday, 1 February 2013
A Sad Farewell...
I couldn't resist getting on the scales this morning...just to see if anything had gone...and a pound had compared to yesterday morning, so I was really happy!
Then I logged on to my computer and saw a message to tell me that a friend had died the day before. We weren't close friends, but he was a good man, a father and a husband - and he can only have been late 40's - a similar age to my son's dad. He was active, he had a zest for life, he had NATO level negotiating skills. He will be missed greatly.
If I can request anything from you today, just LIVE. Enjoy the day you have, make the most of it. Laugh, love, eat a cake, share a joke. Hug your children until they tell you to get off. Forgive. There may not be a tomorrow.
x
Then I logged on to my computer and saw a message to tell me that a friend had died the day before. We weren't close friends, but he was a good man, a father and a husband - and he can only have been late 40's - a similar age to my son's dad. He was active, he had a zest for life, he had NATO level negotiating skills. He will be missed greatly.
If I can request anything from you today, just LIVE. Enjoy the day you have, make the most of it. Laugh, love, eat a cake, share a joke. Hug your children until they tell you to get off. Forgive. There may not be a tomorrow.
x
Thursday, 31 January 2013
End of day one...
Well it's been a lot better than I thought it was going to be to be honest!! I knew it wouldn't be really easy - I'm a self confessed grazer - but I'm surprised at how ok it's been!
I decided that I rather than have only two meals (morning and evening) I would have a soup at lunchtime to tide me over and save some calories for a bit of supper. I know that otherwise I would be more likely to break and give in!!
So the meals today on my first fast day...
Breakfast - Activia yoghurt (77cal) over a medium grapefruit (82cal) total 159cal
Lunch - Tesco Light Choices Chicken Noodle Soup 43cal
Dinner - 100g Smoked Salmon (117cal) on 100g Steamed cabbage (24cal) and 50g steamed leeks (16cal) topped with a poached egg (81cal) total 238
Supper - Cucumber (15cal), tomato (18cal), red onion (8cal) and balsamic vinegar (10cal) total 51cal
Total - 491 calories!!
I decided that I rather than have only two meals (morning and evening) I would have a soup at lunchtime to tide me over and save some calories for a bit of supper. I know that otherwise I would be more likely to break and give in!!
So the meals today on my first fast day...
Breakfast - Activia yoghurt (77cal) over a medium grapefruit (82cal) total 159cal
Lunch - Tesco Light Choices Chicken Noodle Soup 43cal
Dinner - 100g Smoked Salmon (117cal) on 100g Steamed cabbage (24cal) and 50g steamed leeks (16cal) topped with a poached egg (81cal) total 238
Supper - Cucumber (15cal), tomato (18cal), red onion (8cal) and balsamic vinegar (10cal) total 51cal
Total - 491 calories!!
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| Dinner - yum!! |
I don't feel especially hungry - it's niggling, but I know that's boredom really, I'm just not used to not eating in the evenings. And that's my own fault. I don't need any more food, but a couple of hours after tea all I want to do is start nibbling again!! I will fully admit that I'm thinking about all the things that I can eat tomorrow...but oddly enough I think top of the list of things that I'd like are a huge bowl of porridge and a cup of coffee!! Oh, and cheese....I love cheese!!
Also, for the first time in ages I'm craving a mug of horlicks when I go to bed!! I am going to go soon, I know I need an early night...with a book. I'm rewatching Jeeves and Wooster at the moment, but I know if I get engrossed I won't get to sleep, whereas with a book (and the fact I've set the heated blanket to warm the bed) I'm sure I'll be dropping off soon.
Looking forward to yummies tomorrow though!
Oh the shame...
Just a quick update as I eat my breakfast on the first day of my Fast Diet journey (yes people, I am actually eating breakfast - when does that happen??!!).
I weighed myself
Oh the shame
199.2lbs
It's not like I didn't expect it - I knew it would be somewhere around there, but it still smarts that it's got to that point!!
Sitting here thinking about what weight I would like to get to - the problem lies in the fact that for my BMI to be sitting in the healthy weight comfortably I need to be 11 stone. That, for me? Ridiculous. I would look ill. Like proper ill. I know BMI is only a guide, so maybe I need to have a think about what is sensible for me. I'm quite muscular anyway and once I get back into running again that will help too...and thinking of it like this...most elite athletes are classed as obese from BMI!
I weighed myself
Oh the shame
 |
| Eeek!! Horrid BMI!! |
It's not like I didn't expect it - I knew it would be somewhere around there, but it still smarts that it's got to that point!!
Sitting here thinking about what weight I would like to get to - the problem lies in the fact that for my BMI to be sitting in the healthy weight comfortably I need to be 11 stone. That, for me? Ridiculous. I would look ill. Like proper ill. I know BMI is only a guide, so maybe I need to have a think about what is sensible for me. I'm quite muscular anyway and once I get back into running again that will help too...and thinking of it like this...most elite athletes are classed as obese from BMI!
Wednesday, 30 January 2013
The night before...
 |
| Me February 2009 |
The thing is, that over the last 18 months or so, the pounds have started creeping back on again, and then after sustaining a nasty knee injury in June last year and being unable to run for 6 months even more have crept on meaning that I am now...I think...over 14 stone again *gulp*.
 |
| Dad and I on New Years Eve - his 60th birthday |
Speaking to my darling Dad yesterday he was telling me that he went to the Doctors and was told he was borderline type 2 diabetic. He was recommended by his Doctor to try the Fast Diet, and to his amazement, in the last 3 weeks he's lost a stone! WOW!! Spookily I'd just flicked through the book in Tesco, so I thought I'd dash back in there and grab a copy and see what all the fuss was about and whether it might be something I could try. I read the book in an evening. It made a lot of sense to me and I thought I'd give it a try.
So what is the Fast Diet and how does it work? Well I can only explain how I understand it - essentially our bodies are built to cope with periods of feasting and fasting - think of cavemen and people in times gone by - they would go through periods where there was plenty of food and periods when there was little or none...and they coped. They were also lean and not ridiculously fat like we are now. So why are we fat? Because food is there. We eat, well I do, even when we aren't hungry. We've lost the knowledge that we can cope and we will be ok without food for a period. With the Fast Diet, for two days a week you cut your calorie intake right down to 500 calories (600 for men). For the other 5 days you eat normally. It seems too good to be true, but then if it's working for Dad and for numerous other people, why can't it work for me? (for more information please go to the website www.thefastdiet.co.uk - they explain the theory and science FAR better than I could ever hope to!!)
I've decided that my fast days are going to be Monday and Thursday. Those are the days that Dad fasts (which will make it easier when I visit him for sure!!) So tomorrow I begin. I went to Tesco today and got in low calorie yoghurts, soup and greens so I'm ready. It's going to be a challenge I can tell you - tomorrow nights dinner is Gnocchi and that's my favourite, but if I can do it tomorrow then I can do it...and I can look forward to eating what I like on Friday!
I'm not expecting it to be ridiculously easy, I'm sure I'll find it tricky to start with, but it's not as if I can't have anything to eat at all... So...deep breath...tub of ice cream at the ready for tonight...let's go!!!!
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| At the start...with my best boy x |
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