I've just got to vent
For people that don't know, here's a bit of background, I have a 9, nearly 10yr old son called Zak. I am a single mum, not through choice, but there we go. I do my best, but do feel I'm out of my depth sometimes. In October we moved lock, stock and barrel from Surrey to Aberdeenshire so that I could work with Clare at Neverland Keepsake Creations (www.neverlandcreations.co.uk) and to give us a better quality of life. I was in a rut in Surrey. I have some wonderful wonderful friends down there, but I wasn't going anywhere and I didn't know how I could get out of that feeling. I wanted to be able to give Zak the opportunity to have a better life as well, to live an outdoor life, to be in a school where he would get more 1:1 attention. We're living with Clare and Owen and their two children aged 4 1/2 and nearly 2. The house is big enough that we can all have our own space but still work and eat together.
Well recently I've got to the point where I would quite happily give up. Granted Zak hasn't been in a situation where he's living with other children before and have to set an example,so it would take a bit of getting used to I'm sure, but despite everything we've said to him he's become surly, grumpy, doing things to wind up the 4yr old - whether it's deliberate or just because he's not thinking I don't know. Things that I'm sure he knows are going to mortify me. Things that are not setting a good example to the others. Things that are just not like the child I know. Then on the flip side he's an angel - he does everything he can to help, he's loving, caring, he plays nicely, he shares, he sets a good example. Every day I wonder if there's going to be something that happens. It's upsetting me to the point that I'm an emotional wreck. I know I've always been one to cry at films, but everything, I mean EVERYTHING is setting me off in tears and I feel ridiculous. I'm going to bed and sobbing because I just don't know what else to do. I feel sick, I'm not sleeping properly, I can feel myself spiralling into depression again and that's the last place I want to be.
For the first time in my life I'm doing something I really want to - something for me. For once I'm not putting someone else first. For once I'm following MY dream. I love working with Clare, I love working with my hands - and he's spoiling it. I feel resentful that for the last 9 years I've done everything for him, pretty much on my own. I've stayed where I'm not happy, I've stayed in the rat race because I thought it was the right thing to do, I've gone without when I needed things (I welcomed pants and socks at Christmas, it meant they didn't have holes in anymore!) I've pretended to be eating slowly when in fact what I've been doing is keeping enough that I can freeze for him to eat on another day. I've done everything that I can to keep things normal for him - to look like a swan gliding along the top of the pond, when infact I was peddling so furiously underneath to stay afloat I didn't know if I could manage it. My Doctor had advised me to find something else to do as if I didn't I'd be ending up on medication again. And then I was given an amazing opportunity and I grabbed it. And Zak honestly seems to be doing everything he can to spoil it for me. I know it's hard to move away from everything you know, but before we moved I asked him. I said we wouldn't go if he didn't want to. And he said he wanted to move. So why is he making it so damned hard? Yes he's 9, there are hormones rushing around his body, but that's not an excuse. He is a sensible, caring, loving boy. I know he is from his past behaviour, but he's just not the child I thought I had at the moment and I have no idea what to do about it. He's had his DS, his TV, DVD player and netbook taken away from him last Sunday and do you know what? I thought it was working. Evidentially not. Today there's been an incident. Just a little one, nothing major, but it's enough to have set me to the point where I've been ready to walk out. Not just walk outside and let off some steam, but really walk out, get in the car and drive. Where I don't know. There is nowhere to go, but I just don't want this anymore.
I don't want to have to be apologising for him on a daily basis. I don't want to feel like I've done such a terrible job that he can't be sensible and nice. I don't want to cry any more. I want to enjoy this new life that we have, not to spend every day wondering if I've done the wrong thing, spending it with a knot in my stomach and the tears only a blink away. Wondering if it's going to get to the point where Clare and Owen decide that his behaviour and the effect on their two children has become unacceptable and they ask us to leave. I want to stop living on a knife edge.
I know that being a parent is a challenge, I know that there will be ups and downs, good days and bad, that there will be days when you just don't know what to do or why you're bothering, but surely those days are supposed to be once in a while and not every day?
I just don't know what to do any more.
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