Apologies for not posting for a while people, I've been trying to get on with everything and we've been busy working too!
I have to say though, I'm disillusioned and disappointed at the moment - I don't appear to have lost anything at all - infact on getting on the scales this morning I appear to have GAINED weight - I mean, what's going on there??!! I did have a bit of a blow out day on Saturday when we went to the beach - bits of treats and stuff, but I don't think I overdid it that much?
I'm cross. Cross that I'm trying and nothing seems to be happening. Cross that it appears to be working for other people and not me. Cross that no matter what I'm doing I'm still a flipping chunk!!
Owen did pose an interesting question though when I was grumbling about it - am I over eating a great deal on the 'normal' days? Well, truth be told, I don't know. I'm not tracking what I'm eating on the 'off' days, so I don't know how many calories I'm eating. Maybe I should be tracking - I think I will tomorrow, just to see what I am eating. I need to be eating no more than 1500 calories a day on the off days, so if I am, I really need to be thinking more about what I'm putting in my mouth. Very despondent and almost feel like giving in, but I know that's not what I need to be doing. All I want to do is loose a couple of stone and then keep it off. I know I can and will do it, I just need to get off my arse and actually get a move on!!
Maybe I should post everything that passes my lips...name and shame myself!!
xx
Monday, 11 February 2013
Monday, 4 February 2013
Have you seen my unimpressed face??
Cos I had it on this morning - got on the scales and I'd GAINED!!! Now I've not been an absolute complete and utter angel on the non fasting days, but then the whole point is that you don't have to be isn't it?! I've had some ice cream, chocolate, wine, but not to excess.
So todays fasting day started with resolve - I am not going to let this beat me. I have got to loose this weight, I'm assured this diet works, so I may as well stick to it, hadn't I? It's just rather frustrating when the dinners are some of my favourite on the fast days...I may have to switch round a couple of them just so I get some too - I love fajitas and they're on the menu for Thursday!
I don't really know what else to say about today - I was really fed up, I wanted to have seen some sort of downward movement on the scales, so it is annoying. Perhaps I need to be more good than I've been on my non fasting days. Get some 'good' snacks for the evening, rather than having chocolate and ice cream. I really fancy some cucumber at the moment, but we haven't got any :( It'll be tomatoes later then!!
Must dash for now...I have a bunny to make (and an H key to sort out - it's been sticking all flipping day!!)
xx
So todays fasting day started with resolve - I am not going to let this beat me. I have got to loose this weight, I'm assured this diet works, so I may as well stick to it, hadn't I? It's just rather frustrating when the dinners are some of my favourite on the fast days...I may have to switch round a couple of them just so I get some too - I love fajitas and they're on the menu for Thursday!
I don't really know what else to say about today - I was really fed up, I wanted to have seen some sort of downward movement on the scales, so it is annoying. Perhaps I need to be more good than I've been on my non fasting days. Get some 'good' snacks for the evening, rather than having chocolate and ice cream. I really fancy some cucumber at the moment, but we haven't got any :( It'll be tomatoes later then!!
Must dash for now...I have a bunny to make (and an H key to sort out - it's been sticking all flipping day!!)
xx
Saturday, 2 February 2013
Not diet related but...
I've just got to vent
For people that don't know, here's a bit of background, I have a 9, nearly 10yr old son called Zak. I am a single mum, not through choice, but there we go. I do my best, but do feel I'm out of my depth sometimes. In October we moved lock, stock and barrel from Surrey to Aberdeenshire so that I could work with Clare at Neverland Keepsake Creations (www.neverlandcreations.co.uk) and to give us a better quality of life. I was in a rut in Surrey. I have some wonderful wonderful friends down there, but I wasn't going anywhere and I didn't know how I could get out of that feeling. I wanted to be able to give Zak the opportunity to have a better life as well, to live an outdoor life, to be in a school where he would get more 1:1 attention. We're living with Clare and Owen and their two children aged 4 1/2 and nearly 2. The house is big enough that we can all have our own space but still work and eat together.
Well recently I've got to the point where I would quite happily give up. Granted Zak hasn't been in a situation where he's living with other children before and have to set an example,so it would take a bit of getting used to I'm sure, but despite everything we've said to him he's become surly, grumpy, doing things to wind up the 4yr old - whether it's deliberate or just because he's not thinking I don't know. Things that I'm sure he knows are going to mortify me. Things that are not setting a good example to the others. Things that are just not like the child I know. Then on the flip side he's an angel - he does everything he can to help, he's loving, caring, he plays nicely, he shares, he sets a good example. Every day I wonder if there's going to be something that happens. It's upsetting me to the point that I'm an emotional wreck. I know I've always been one to cry at films, but everything, I mean EVERYTHING is setting me off in tears and I feel ridiculous. I'm going to bed and sobbing because I just don't know what else to do. I feel sick, I'm not sleeping properly, I can feel myself spiralling into depression again and that's the last place I want to be.
For the first time in my life I'm doing something I really want to - something for me. For once I'm not putting someone else first. For once I'm following MY dream. I love working with Clare, I love working with my hands - and he's spoiling it. I feel resentful that for the last 9 years I've done everything for him, pretty much on my own. I've stayed where I'm not happy, I've stayed in the rat race because I thought it was the right thing to do, I've gone without when I needed things (I welcomed pants and socks at Christmas, it meant they didn't have holes in anymore!) I've pretended to be eating slowly when in fact what I've been doing is keeping enough that I can freeze for him to eat on another day. I've done everything that I can to keep things normal for him - to look like a swan gliding along the top of the pond, when infact I was peddling so furiously underneath to stay afloat I didn't know if I could manage it. My Doctor had advised me to find something else to do as if I didn't I'd be ending up on medication again. And then I was given an amazing opportunity and I grabbed it. And Zak honestly seems to be doing everything he can to spoil it for me. I know it's hard to move away from everything you know, but before we moved I asked him. I said we wouldn't go if he didn't want to. And he said he wanted to move. So why is he making it so damned hard? Yes he's 9, there are hormones rushing around his body, but that's not an excuse. He is a sensible, caring, loving boy. I know he is from his past behaviour, but he's just not the child I thought I had at the moment and I have no idea what to do about it. He's had his DS, his TV, DVD player and netbook taken away from him last Sunday and do you know what? I thought it was working. Evidentially not. Today there's been an incident. Just a little one, nothing major, but it's enough to have set me to the point where I've been ready to walk out. Not just walk outside and let off some steam, but really walk out, get in the car and drive. Where I don't know. There is nowhere to go, but I just don't want this anymore.
I don't want to have to be apologising for him on a daily basis. I don't want to feel like I've done such a terrible job that he can't be sensible and nice. I don't want to cry any more. I want to enjoy this new life that we have, not to spend every day wondering if I've done the wrong thing, spending it with a knot in my stomach and the tears only a blink away. Wondering if it's going to get to the point where Clare and Owen decide that his behaviour and the effect on their two children has become unacceptable and they ask us to leave. I want to stop living on a knife edge.
I know that being a parent is a challenge, I know that there will be ups and downs, good days and bad, that there will be days when you just don't know what to do or why you're bothering, but surely those days are supposed to be once in a while and not every day?
I just don't know what to do any more.
For people that don't know, here's a bit of background, I have a 9, nearly 10yr old son called Zak. I am a single mum, not through choice, but there we go. I do my best, but do feel I'm out of my depth sometimes. In October we moved lock, stock and barrel from Surrey to Aberdeenshire so that I could work with Clare at Neverland Keepsake Creations (www.neverlandcreations.co.uk) and to give us a better quality of life. I was in a rut in Surrey. I have some wonderful wonderful friends down there, but I wasn't going anywhere and I didn't know how I could get out of that feeling. I wanted to be able to give Zak the opportunity to have a better life as well, to live an outdoor life, to be in a school where he would get more 1:1 attention. We're living with Clare and Owen and their two children aged 4 1/2 and nearly 2. The house is big enough that we can all have our own space but still work and eat together.
Well recently I've got to the point where I would quite happily give up. Granted Zak hasn't been in a situation where he's living with other children before and have to set an example,so it would take a bit of getting used to I'm sure, but despite everything we've said to him he's become surly, grumpy, doing things to wind up the 4yr old - whether it's deliberate or just because he's not thinking I don't know. Things that I'm sure he knows are going to mortify me. Things that are not setting a good example to the others. Things that are just not like the child I know. Then on the flip side he's an angel - he does everything he can to help, he's loving, caring, he plays nicely, he shares, he sets a good example. Every day I wonder if there's going to be something that happens. It's upsetting me to the point that I'm an emotional wreck. I know I've always been one to cry at films, but everything, I mean EVERYTHING is setting me off in tears and I feel ridiculous. I'm going to bed and sobbing because I just don't know what else to do. I feel sick, I'm not sleeping properly, I can feel myself spiralling into depression again and that's the last place I want to be.
For the first time in my life I'm doing something I really want to - something for me. For once I'm not putting someone else first. For once I'm following MY dream. I love working with Clare, I love working with my hands - and he's spoiling it. I feel resentful that for the last 9 years I've done everything for him, pretty much on my own. I've stayed where I'm not happy, I've stayed in the rat race because I thought it was the right thing to do, I've gone without when I needed things (I welcomed pants and socks at Christmas, it meant they didn't have holes in anymore!) I've pretended to be eating slowly when in fact what I've been doing is keeping enough that I can freeze for him to eat on another day. I've done everything that I can to keep things normal for him - to look like a swan gliding along the top of the pond, when infact I was peddling so furiously underneath to stay afloat I didn't know if I could manage it. My Doctor had advised me to find something else to do as if I didn't I'd be ending up on medication again. And then I was given an amazing opportunity and I grabbed it. And Zak honestly seems to be doing everything he can to spoil it for me. I know it's hard to move away from everything you know, but before we moved I asked him. I said we wouldn't go if he didn't want to. And he said he wanted to move. So why is he making it so damned hard? Yes he's 9, there are hormones rushing around his body, but that's not an excuse. He is a sensible, caring, loving boy. I know he is from his past behaviour, but he's just not the child I thought I had at the moment and I have no idea what to do about it. He's had his DS, his TV, DVD player and netbook taken away from him last Sunday and do you know what? I thought it was working. Evidentially not. Today there's been an incident. Just a little one, nothing major, but it's enough to have set me to the point where I've been ready to walk out. Not just walk outside and let off some steam, but really walk out, get in the car and drive. Where I don't know. There is nowhere to go, but I just don't want this anymore.
I don't want to have to be apologising for him on a daily basis. I don't want to feel like I've done such a terrible job that he can't be sensible and nice. I don't want to cry any more. I want to enjoy this new life that we have, not to spend every day wondering if I've done the wrong thing, spending it with a knot in my stomach and the tears only a blink away. Wondering if it's going to get to the point where Clare and Owen decide that his behaviour and the effect on their two children has become unacceptable and they ask us to leave. I want to stop living on a knife edge.
I know that being a parent is a challenge, I know that there will be ups and downs, good days and bad, that there will be days when you just don't know what to do or why you're bothering, but surely those days are supposed to be once in a while and not every day?
I just don't know what to do any more.
Friday, 1 February 2013
A Sad Farewell...
I couldn't resist getting on the scales this morning...just to see if anything had gone...and a pound had compared to yesterday morning, so I was really happy!
Then I logged on to my computer and saw a message to tell me that a friend had died the day before. We weren't close friends, but he was a good man, a father and a husband - and he can only have been late 40's - a similar age to my son's dad. He was active, he had a zest for life, he had NATO level negotiating skills. He will be missed greatly.
If I can request anything from you today, just LIVE. Enjoy the day you have, make the most of it. Laugh, love, eat a cake, share a joke. Hug your children until they tell you to get off. Forgive. There may not be a tomorrow.
x
Then I logged on to my computer and saw a message to tell me that a friend had died the day before. We weren't close friends, but he was a good man, a father and a husband - and he can only have been late 40's - a similar age to my son's dad. He was active, he had a zest for life, he had NATO level negotiating skills. He will be missed greatly.
If I can request anything from you today, just LIVE. Enjoy the day you have, make the most of it. Laugh, love, eat a cake, share a joke. Hug your children until they tell you to get off. Forgive. There may not be a tomorrow.
x
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